Tools for Building Confidence: For Unschoolers, Homeschoolers, & Unconventional Learners
“I think about [our work] when I'm down. My creativity, my thinking, my planning-- is something I now appreciate.”
This quote from a past learner, 22 years old, demonstrates building confidence using the tools described below.
“Confidence is built upon an experience of success.” - Maxwell Maltz
Confidence is earned with action and thought. “Confidence is built upon…” Confidence without evidence is a charade. We can tell ourselves affirmations until our faces turn blue. But if we don’t have reason to believe those affirmations, those words and sentiments will not resonate and will cause incongruence. Inner conflict will lead to anxiety and worse.
To avoid all that, let’s lean into the wisdom of multiple intelligence. Everyone is a genius. Everyone has succeeded at something. If you just breezed by those sentences, read them again.
Internalize the truth that you are a successful genius.
In the world of homeschooling and particularly in the world of unschooling and self-directed education, there is this common struggle that children are “not doing anything” or “not learning anything.” Be careful of how you use your words because they create a perception of reality. If you think that all you are doing is narrating the reality that already exists, you are mistaken. Children, people, are always doing and learning. Constant doing, learning, and changing are occupational hazards of life.
If you are venting, try to express your emotions carefully. By no means am I suggesting to hide from your true emotions. Feel them, listen to them, and express what is going through you. If you don’t express it, it turns into something much worse. As written in my last post on fear, emotions are signals to be heard, teased out, searched for validity, and used—for your betterment and for those around you. But there is a difference between languishing in misery and being curious about your state of mind and how you can utilize it.
There are two tools I will share in the name of building your confidence:
A practice of non-judgmental observation and
A practice of gratitude.
These are separate, both of them helpful. When combined, they make for an interestingly powerful good.
First, enter into the mode of non-judgmental observation. Try this now: notice your surroundings. Look around. Are you home? Are you in someone else’s home? What color are the walls? What texture? Are you outside? What do you notice? Do not add any judgement to any of what you see, smell, hear, touch, or taste. Just sense it and observe the facts. No opinions allowed at this time. I was taught this as a teenager when I was under mental distress, and I have used it since. It allows me to step back from the spiraling thoughts, almost all of which are tangled opinions with heavy associations. Become light like air by using the power of noticing facts. This exercise invites clarity and calm. I find this exercise is more useful without documentation at first.
Choosing to add documentation later on is helpful in regard to learning process. Non-judgmental observation can enrich the reflection experience. Think back to yesterday, your last full day. Think about what your children did. What did they experience? What did they see, smell, hear, touch, and taste? What did they play with and how? What did they get upset about? Excited about? What did they talk about? Ask about? Refrain from adding any opinions about these observations. Not good, not bad. Just noticing what is happening. This is a list of what they did and learned yesterday. Today and tomorrow you can reflect on those experiences together, strengthening their knowledge, skills, and experiences through contextualization.
Instead of wanting something you don’t have, be grateful for what is.
If you don’t have a gratitude habit yet, start practicing. Start with a list so long that you become tired. Proceed to feel thankful that you have tired yourself out by listing all the wonderful people, lessons, experiences, places, and stuff of your life. This can be written or verbal, and is more helpful and efficient if documented. This can be done with aids, like photos from your phone, but I find it’s a stronger practice if I struggle to remember. In that struggle there is much reward. It can also serve as a demonstration of your priorities.
Practicing gratitude and non-judgmental observation across time will help, but is not a panacea. For those pesky negative emotions that will invariably arise again, examine them to discern what’s useful, do something about it, and let go of what’s not helpful.
Realize your and your children’s accomplishments, experiences, and growth. Feel and show appreciation to double down on that success. Have confidence in your children’s learning and your own capabilities to support their process.
Confidence is a muscle of trust in oneself. In unschooling and homeschooling, just as in any other area of life, confidence is a powerfully helpful starting point as well as a useful source of continuity and momentum. It can mean the difference between starting that project or stopping at the idea. It can be the catalyst for proceeding forward after a fumble or a lull. It can even mean summoning the courage for quitting something that no longer works.
Confidence is inner trust that yields movement and positive change. Build the confidence muscle, feed it evidence, and nurture your trust in yourself and your learning process.
